maybe i'm the jerk

you wanna talk about eye-openers or wake up calls?

i just realized why none of my relationships ever seem to work out. 

there's this book that i'm reading for my marriage prep class (don't ask me why i'm taking a marriage prep class when there are no prospects on the immediate horizon) called "how to avoid falling in love with a jerk" by john van epp. instead of doing a book review or summarizing the chapter i'm just gonna share this little nugget of wisdom: 

basically, when you're dating someone you're supposed to move left to right on this graph. start at zero for all of them and begin getting to know someone. as you move up a level knowing them you can move up a level trusting them, so on and so forth. pretty big deal for me because i seem to always go at it from the other direction. i always jump right from knowing to some heavy commitment and touch follows suit. pretty soon commitment is through the roof with touch floating just above knowing which usually is hanging somewhere in the middle by the time i decide to call it quits. 

so yeah, my homework just made me realize that i'm the jerk that doesn't know how to date. it also made me realize where i've been totally innocent and someone else abused this scale and broke my heart. like a jerk. 

this was not a very eloquently worded post, but forgive me because i just found out that i'm a jerk and i'm still coming to terms with it. 

sometimes it's a stuggle

i'm about to get kinda personal. 

some people struggle with visible trials, others struggle with mental illness, and sometimes i feel like everyone else's struggles are more legitimate than mine because they "can't help it." i'd say my biggest struggle is that i like to embrace my human nature. i like to take the easy way out of things, i enjoy eating junk food, i like taking an entire day to sit on the couch and i basically feel like god gave me 1:30 church on sunday so i could sleep in as long as i want. according to my human nature i always come first, and it's often hard for me to serve because of that mindset. there are times when i would rather go to bed than talk to god. there are times when i struggle hard to actually get on my knees and say my prayers. i'm a "go with the flow," "if it happens, it happens" kind of personality type. 

an actual picture of me being super lazy

i'm only human right? we've been told time and time again to put off the natural man, cease to be idle,  don't be slothful, become holy, etc. and i've done my best to follow that council. even though i struggle (constantly, i might add) i still do my best to be my best. i started making goals for myself when i was in jr. high--things i wanted to accomplish, things to learn and talents to develop that would eventually form me into the kind of person i most wanted to be like: jesus christ. i want to be selfless and kind and always busy with something important, so i've got my goals and i work hard on them and keep the commandments in order to overcome my struggles. 

i was reading the new testament this week and i considered peter denying that he knew jesus christ. he was warned by the savior that this would happen, but peter was adamant that he would never deny christ. however, by the third time he denied knowing the savior he realized what had just happened and “peter went out and wept bitterly.” luke 22:48 poor guy, he was only human right? i'm sure peter tried his best to be his best. i'm sure he had goals. i'm sure he thought that he'd always be a loyal follower of jesus christ. 

i think of the times where i have not lived up to the commandments, after trying so hard to be good and trying to be my best self i was still weak and tempted and i broke them. that realization is enough to break your own heart. i have been (figuratively) in the same place as peter. i know what it's like to weep bitterly. heavenly father and jesus christ never want us to be alone in those trying times of heartache, when you do something you never thought you would do, when something unimaginable happens. consider this, the very people who's commandments you broke are the ones sending comfort your way. 

christ had just performed the atonement hours before peter’s denial. does what peter did disqualify him from those blessings? absolutely not. and i believe that peter took advantage of the forgiveness and strength the atonement offered him. he picked himself up and again tried his best. 

but remember that time peter was out fishing with the other apostles after christ's resurrection? and jesus came and told peter to feed his sheep (like three times in a row, too)? peter was still human. still weak, still battling his own human nature. but even though he was struggling, christ was always there to gently adjust peter's course. and he's always been there to adjust mine. when i'm weak, when i'm lazy, when i'm just a little too comfortable he'll redirect me. to be honest sometimes he'll completely turn me around and upside down and backwards from where i was originally going, but he shows the way all the same. 

i really can't wrap this up nicely because i'm still working with my battle against my own human nature and being as christlike as i can be. so yeah, currently i struggle, but at least i'm not struggling alone. 

what does it mean to serve?

"he that is greatest among you shall be your servant." 

this week i studied the events leading up to the atonement. christ said a lot of things during this time, he warned about hypocrisy, he taught us that we needed to look for signs, and he included this little snippet of wisdom about leadership. i’ve thought about this a bit because i’ve been considering what it really means to be a leader. i’ve been thinking about how christ served those around him and that’s what made him a great leader. others wanted to follow him because they saw what he could do for them. 

growing up, leaders always seemed to be the popular kids. it seemed like the only reason to be in any sort of leadership position was the popularity the role brought with it. everyone would know your name, everyone liked you, and people wanted to help you. leadership seemed pretty cool to me because of all the perks that leaders seemed to get. 

until i got asked to be a leader. that's when i started seeing the behind the scenes stuff that happened to leaders. i got to know first hand the struggles and the feelings of inadequacy and the amount of personal effort it took to put on a brave face and confidently say, "alright guys, you can trust me." leadership wasn't always fun for me, but i think it's because i was looking at it the wrong way. 

jesus taught us to serve others, and that the greatest leaders would be the ones with loving hearts and a drive to help those who are down and out on their luck. i've found amazing leaders in places i sometimes didn't expect to find them. these leaders aren't always in the spotlight, and sometimes aren't in official leadership positions. 

these are people who stand up for what they believe in, even though sometimes it's scary and they have to stand against people they love. they are people who do good things and don't talk about it on facebook or instagram. they are anonymous caretakers, filling kits with hygiene items and clothing for strangers fleeing other countries, even though they may never meet them. they are busy people with full time jobs and only a couple hours of personal time that still take the time to listen to others and comfort them. they are people that have nothing to give, but give you everything they have. these people are people that i've met just living their lives and they changed me. they served others in ways that made me want to change, follow them, and ultimately be more christlike. 

thinking about our church and what we do when we are called reminds me that i will never be called to “lead” someone or some group, but i will be called to “serve” them. i'll be called to love them and take care of them the way that christ did for all of us. i'll be called to be selfless and giving, to go above and beyond and not ask for anything in return. hopefully then, my service will point them in the direction of the greatest leader, my savior. 

coming home

i'm from a little suburban town in utah, population 17,000. it's a city called highland and i grew up there. usually when i'm talking about home i'm talking about highland. it's where my family is, where all my neighbors are familiar faces, and it's a place where i know all the roads by heart. most of my memories start there, and continue to grow every time i go back.

photo taken by Harrison Brink

this past year, i moved to rexburg, idaho. and i think it's kind of funny that anytime i'm in utah visiting, i'll refer to rexburg as "home." rexburg is where i keep my things, most of my shoes and clothes are here. i live with five other girls and when i'm away from highland they are my family. we laugh together and take care of each other, and in the end i think that's why rexburg has become my home. 

this week i was reading about the prodigal son, and thinking about what it means to come back home and where home actually is for me. i feel like i've had the opportunity to put down roots in several cities in different states and countries, but when i think about where i really came from i have to reflect on memories that are nearly impossible to remember, but easy to feel. these feelings are still with me and help me know that there is a god and i once lived with him. he's offered me a place in his heavenly home, and it's mine if i choose to go back.

i love the story of the prodigal son. as i was reading this parable i started imagining myself as the prodigal. i’ve never been perfect, and there have certainly been times in my life where i’ve left and indulged in riotous living. i’ve squandered the blessings that i’ve been given and i’ve turned my back on the heavenly home i’ve been offered. but every time i decide to return, every time i have felt unsatisfied with my lifestyle, there has always been a loving father and savior there waiting for me. i’ve never felt like an unwelcome guest with them. i've never been shunned by them. and coming back has always felt like coming home because i know i'm being welcomed by someone who loves me.

thinking of myself like this, i try to imagine how other people must feel coming back and overcoming their own demons. if i am supposed to be like christ and have his name upon me, i feel a responsibility to welcome others back as lovingly as i have been received. each of us knows a prodigal, and honestly each of us has been one. the most important thing i think we can do is love the prodigal even when they are away from home. let them know they can always come back. don't pressure them, and when they make the choice on their own be the one to welcome them home. 

image taken from https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-10-055-the-prodigal-son?lang=eng  

© 2017 by Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved.

coming home is my favorite, because no matter how long i've been gone the people at home are the ones who are proud of me, who believe in me and who know and understand me. home is a place where i know i'll be taken care of, and i know i'll be accepted. i hope one day, i'll have a reunion with my heavenly father like the one the prodigal son had with his father. 

help thou mine unbelief

I have always loved the story of the man with his son, coming to Christ to heal him. I loved the way Elder Holland spoke about it a few years ago in conference. How sometimes we may believe but our unbelief is still there. I love that even though the man had doubts, he still had faith strong enough to overcome them and bring his son to the savior. There are times where I feel like if I could just have more faith I'd be able to do anything, or that if I had more faith I'd understand everything better, but what I learned from this scripture is that Christ will take me as I am and help me overcome my doubts. With him I'll be able to accomplish the things that Heavenly Father wants me to do and has planned for me to do. 

Sometimes I can't always see what he has planned for me, and often that's something really hard for me to overcome. I hate not being able to see the end from the beginning. But something I will forever love is that I am not alone on this pathway he's put me on. He will continue to guide me daily through any unexpected twists and turns and lead me to exactly where He needs me to go. After all these years of following the Savior, He hasn't led me anywhere I didn't want to go, and He's taken me further than I'd have ever imagined. 

take my yoke upon you

As I was reading I came across a little note I left in the margin of my scriptures, it just said "side by side with christ." Something I thought of while reading Matthew 11:28-30 was that in being yoked with Christ we would literally be right next to him too. He’ll walk at the pace we need to walk and He’ll help us carry the burdens we have. I’ve never thought about it this way before, he won’t drag me, or push me or pull me, he be shoulder to shoulder with me and match my stride while I work through my burdens. He’ll walk with me and talk me through it. I thought about the moments where I shared my burdens with the Savior. I thought of all the times I received love and encouragement from him rather than belittling and punishment. Most of the time I'm the one beating myself up and he'll help me understand that just because I've made a mistake it doesn't mean I've lost any worth in his eyes. He'll always be my friend, and he'll keep in step with me until I am able to match his stride too.

things i've learned recently

this week has been fun, and also kind of quiet despite it being the beginning of the semester. i started a new year and started new classes and moved in with new people and got a new job. my coursework is heavy, and i knew it would be so i only let myself take 12 credits so i could really learn everything for each class and give my homework the attention it needs.

this week i learned how to read a heart monitor. i learned about all the intricacies of the heart and its valves and how it all works.

i learned about different artistic mediums and what it means to create something.

i read about jesus christ, his birth, baptism, and preparation for his ministry. i learned about humility and faith, and how they work together.

i learned a little about myself and set some goals and plans for the upcoming year. i love learning, and i love taking what i've learned and using it to become better. i love the feeling of finally understanding something that you've been struggling to know.

so here's what i'm going to try to do next week:
i'm going to teach someone else about the heart
i'm going to go to an exhibit and read about who made the art and what it's made of instead of just looking at it
i'm going to be more humble. i'm going to listen more to the spirit and let myself learn more about what it means to have faith. i may not understand or know everything, but i can have faith that someone does.