sometimes it's a stuggle

i'm about to get kinda personal. 

some people struggle with visible trials, others struggle with mental illness, and sometimes i feel like everyone else's struggles are more legitimate than mine because they "can't help it." i'd say my biggest struggle is that i like to embrace my human nature. i like to take the easy way out of things, i enjoy eating junk food, i like taking an entire day to sit on the couch and i basically feel like god gave me 1:30 church on sunday so i could sleep in as long as i want. according to my human nature i always come first, and it's often hard for me to serve because of that mindset. there are times when i would rather go to bed than talk to god. there are times when i struggle hard to actually get on my knees and say my prayers. i'm a "go with the flow," "if it happens, it happens" kind of personality type. 

an actual picture of me being super lazy

i'm only human right? we've been told time and time again to put off the natural man, cease to be idle,  don't be slothful, become holy, etc. and i've done my best to follow that council. even though i struggle (constantly, i might add) i still do my best to be my best. i started making goals for myself when i was in jr. high--things i wanted to accomplish, things to learn and talents to develop that would eventually form me into the kind of person i most wanted to be like: jesus christ. i want to be selfless and kind and always busy with something important, so i've got my goals and i work hard on them and keep the commandments in order to overcome my struggles. 

i was reading the new testament this week and i considered peter denying that he knew jesus christ. he was warned by the savior that this would happen, but peter was adamant that he would never deny christ. however, by the third time he denied knowing the savior he realized what had just happened and “peter went out and wept bitterly.” luke 22:48 poor guy, he was only human right? i'm sure peter tried his best to be his best. i'm sure he had goals. i'm sure he thought that he'd always be a loyal follower of jesus christ. 

i think of the times where i have not lived up to the commandments, after trying so hard to be good and trying to be my best self i was still weak and tempted and i broke them. that realization is enough to break your own heart. i have been (figuratively) in the same place as peter. i know what it's like to weep bitterly. heavenly father and jesus christ never want us to be alone in those trying times of heartache, when you do something you never thought you would do, when something unimaginable happens. consider this, the very people who's commandments you broke are the ones sending comfort your way. 

christ had just performed the atonement hours before peter’s denial. does what peter did disqualify him from those blessings? absolutely not. and i believe that peter took advantage of the forgiveness and strength the atonement offered him. he picked himself up and again tried his best. 

but remember that time peter was out fishing with the other apostles after christ's resurrection? and jesus came and told peter to feed his sheep (like three times in a row, too)? peter was still human. still weak, still battling his own human nature. but even though he was struggling, christ was always there to gently adjust peter's course. and he's always been there to adjust mine. when i'm weak, when i'm lazy, when i'm just a little too comfortable he'll redirect me. to be honest sometimes he'll completely turn me around and upside down and backwards from where i was originally going, but he shows the way all the same. 

i really can't wrap this up nicely because i'm still working with my battle against my own human nature and being as christlike as i can be. so yeah, currently i struggle, but at least i'm not struggling alone. 

what does it mean to serve?

"he that is greatest among you shall be your servant." 

this week i studied the events leading up to the atonement. christ said a lot of things during this time, he warned about hypocrisy, he taught us that we needed to look for signs, and he included this little snippet of wisdom about leadership. i’ve thought about this a bit because i’ve been considering what it really means to be a leader. i’ve been thinking about how christ served those around him and that’s what made him a great leader. others wanted to follow him because they saw what he could do for them. 

growing up, leaders always seemed to be the popular kids. it seemed like the only reason to be in any sort of leadership position was the popularity the role brought with it. everyone would know your name, everyone liked you, and people wanted to help you. leadership seemed pretty cool to me because of all the perks that leaders seemed to get. 

until i got asked to be a leader. that's when i started seeing the behind the scenes stuff that happened to leaders. i got to know first hand the struggles and the feelings of inadequacy and the amount of personal effort it took to put on a brave face and confidently say, "alright guys, you can trust me." leadership wasn't always fun for me, but i think it's because i was looking at it the wrong way. 

jesus taught us to serve others, and that the greatest leaders would be the ones with loving hearts and a drive to help those who are down and out on their luck. i've found amazing leaders in places i sometimes didn't expect to find them. these leaders aren't always in the spotlight, and sometimes aren't in official leadership positions. 

these are people who stand up for what they believe in, even though sometimes it's scary and they have to stand against people they love. they are people who do good things and don't talk about it on facebook or instagram. they are anonymous caretakers, filling kits with hygiene items and clothing for strangers fleeing other countries, even though they may never meet them. they are busy people with full time jobs and only a couple hours of personal time that still take the time to listen to others and comfort them. they are people that have nothing to give, but give you everything they have. these people are people that i've met just living their lives and they changed me. they served others in ways that made me want to change, follow them, and ultimately be more christlike. 

thinking about our church and what we do when we are called reminds me that i will never be called to “lead” someone or some group, but i will be called to “serve” them. i'll be called to love them and take care of them the way that christ did for all of us. i'll be called to be selfless and giving, to go above and beyond and not ask for anything in return. hopefully then, my service will point them in the direction of the greatest leader, my savior.